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May 16th, 2016

Golf Jokes with Derek The Donkey

Hoof it baby, real good


With Derek The Donkey, GolfPunk's grumpy horse-envier who likes nothing better than a proper good laugh as long as it's at someone else's expense...


The Swingin' Siren pick up

Three old chaps are about to play their regular match when the starter asks if a young lady joins them to make up a four-ball. Just then, a stunning 18-year-old blonde appears, so they welcome her into their group. Sadly, her standard of golf does not match her looks and after playing 17 dire holes she gets to the 18th, leaving herself a 25-footer for par.

“You know what,” she says, “I would do anything in the world to get a par.”

All three men have the same thing in mind...

“Hold your hands together and aim about six inches to the right of the hole,” says one of the old guys.

“No, no,” says the second man. “Aim just inside the left edge and hit it firm – make sure it’s not left short.”

The third man walks around the green surveying the hole from every angle, then looks at the pretty girl. “Ah, pick it up, it’s a gimmie.”

Paul Agnew, via Facebook

Derek’s verdict: No he didn’t because it didn’t happen.

Derek going down well at Monty's Comedy Roast Awards 2006 


Actually, we don't get this one?....

A golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning. Finally the club pro asks him what he wants.

“I can’t find any green golf balls,” the golfer replies.

The pro looks all over the shop, scans all his catalogues, and finally calls all the equipment manufacturers, but all to no avail.

“Sorry,” he says, “but there are no green golf balls. Why did you want green ones anyway?”

“Because they’re easier to find in the bunkers, of course,” replies the man.

Andy Stoves, via email

Derek’s Verdict: The man in the joke was a buffoon and so, Andy, are you.


Brake fluid berkery

Mike is playing a round of golf with his friend Alan. Mike notices that Alan is furtively swigging from a plastic container in his golf bag.

“What’s that you’re drinking Al?” asks Mike.

“It’s nothing...”

“Let me see,” says Mike, sniffing the bottle. “Is that brake fluid?” “Er, yes, it is,” admits Al.

“You’ve got a problem Al,” says Mike.

“No I haven’t,” shrugs Al. “I can stop any time I want to...”

Dennis Mundy, via twitter.

Derek’s verdict: Not bad, now take three and LEAVE ME ALONE.

"Heard the one about the donkey, the step ladder and Sandy Lyle?"


There's no need for this kind of behaviour...

Mr and Mrs Smith are playing golf one sunny evening. When they reach the 6th hole they find the red tee is 60 yards in front of the yellow, so Mrs Smith walks ahead and stands next to the ladies tee. Mr Smith tees off but thins it and hits his wife on the back of the head – she drops down dead.

A week later the coroner delivers his verdict: “Well Mr Smith. We know that what killed your wife was a golf ball, imbedded two inches in the back of her skull.”

Mr Smith: “Oh yes, that’ll be my drive on the 6th...”

Coroner: “We also found a golf ball buried six inches up her backside...”

Mr Smith: “Oh yes, that’ll be my provisional....”

Peter, Rudding Park, via email

Derek’s verdict: Thanks Peter, I’m all for jokes that involve some spousal abuse.



A man was thinking about getting a new caddy when his mate said: “I know a great caddy. He’s a 90-year-old but has eyes like a hawk.”

“OK then,” said the man. “Tell him I’ll need him on Sunday.”

That Sunday the new pair take to the course, and when the man hit a tee shot into the trees, he turned to his new caddy and said: “Did you see where it went?”

“Yup, I saw it alright,” replied the old caddy.

“Great, so where is it?”

“I don’t know, I forgot.”

JP Scott, via email

Derek’s Verdict: My old man also lost it towards the end. I ended up having to wipe his arse for him – that’s not easy when you’ve got hooves.


Email your golf jokes to Derek at 


TAGS: Golf Jokes, Golf Bedlam, 2016