Mar 18th, 2016
Two men arrested for driving golf buggy drunk at Cheltenham
What is it with golf buggies and drinking?
Words: The Brigadier Photography: Getty Images
Two chaps, probably from the darkest recesses of Riff-Raff Central, were arrested for allegedly stealing a golf buggy from Cheltenham Festival and driving it while they were drunk. Why do grown men feel a compulsion to drink and then steal golf buggies?
A 25-year-old from Gloucester and a 22-year-old from Longhope were arrested in connection with the theft in Pittville Street, Cheltenham at around 9.20pm on Wednesday, March 16. According to police reports they have been bailed until Monday, April 18th pending further enquires.
So it’s a day at the races, it’s Cheltenham Festival, ale will be taken, it’s probably going to be Guinness (can't stand the stuff myself – give me a gin & campari any day), and there will be lots of it. For the Queen's sake if nothing else, be prepared like any good scout. When you’ve got the chaps together for the pre-beano briefing, make it clear to every man Jack that they must steer well clear of any golf carts that they see in or around the course.
If the team needs help hauling large volumes of beer around, then it must strictly be using a push trolley. That’s what they were primarily designed for after all. Well, and for a bit of golf to-boot. Personnaly, I use the Stewart X9 Remote for all my local beverage shipping requirements.
But under no circumstances must the over-riding male temptation to steal and drive away a club cart be fallen for. With our chaps this is cardinal rule number one, after a somewhat unfortunate incident at the BMW at Wentworth some years back in the dim and distant. Naturally knuckles were rapped, letters of apology penned and bottoms troubled.
I believe that the first race on the card at Cheltenham is at 1.30pm. Allowing for a couple of pre-race liveners, let’s say conservatively that these chaps started the day at midday. To be arrested at 9.20pm therefore suggests a rather large excursion into the alcohol lagoon, if an average of two English pints are consumed per hour. We can all do the math, as I believe they say in the United States of the Americas.
The witching hour had come and gone, so there will be another factor to be taken into account. No lights! This is all theoretical you understand, but 18 pints of Guinness, in a stolen buggy, with no lights might not go down well the local beak.
The Brig is always well prepared for Cheltenham. The binoculars are dusted down, the hip flask is filled with a decent malt, and my batman is summoned. There is no driving of golf carts, sober or otherwise. Das ist streng verboten!
Here's a video of another young fellow who ignored my time honoured dictum.